Yeshua's Journal

Madness Makes it Matter

Straining and striving to maintain some habit against common daily reasoning will make the habit proportionally stronger. I believe it is often a pre-requisite for habits reliant on willpower > linked cravings.

The "madness" driving the difficult habit can be functionally defined as choosing to do the habit, possibly to the detriment of some other important variable in the day (sleep, food, relaxation)./

It is important to concretize the madness w some physical representation so that various distractions and winds of thought will not dilute the covenant (akin to a religious practice).

The progression of time grows the covenant, but the regular suspension of reason for the sake of the habit cannot be replaced.

In college I would hold a lighter under my skin after completing a bad habit. Initially I thought fear of pain would be sufficient motivation to abstain, but instead I realized it created a deep sense of internal shame and guilt. Similar to the way parents might beat a child, causing the child to subsequently develop an internal sense of guilt (or right v. wrong).

Drawing inspiration from the comic book villain Viktor Szasz, I used to tattoo myself after failing some requirement I put on for myself. Instead of abstaining and feeling shame, I felt almost pride after as my sins checkered my body like moral battle scars.

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